Major Suckage

I haven't been around, mostly due to a lack of time. It seems that when my schedule gets chaotic, I only have enough time to make mischief or chronicle it here, and well, which would you choose?

Pardon me boys, I'll try to put this as delicately as possible. Due to a birth control mishap, I've been "out of commission" for the past three weeks. Even my husband, who has about as much interest in me as a dog has in a bath, is fed up with it.

Of course, this has not kept la homme from making regular office visits. This has meant that due to my little problem, the tension has reached a fevered pitch- we are literally aching to get down to it.

Until this morning. We had major plans for today, our best chance yet, and it's not going to happen. I noted in an earlier post that his wife is crazy. Well, she's started to ask some questions that are pretty pointed, and we think she may have a mole here. He's decided to cease all communication for a while.

I know it's for the best, I know it's not worth the risk right now, I know that if we cool off now, we'll save ourselves all kinds of heartache and embarrassment and leave the future open for when things calm down. I know that she has every right to be hot on his trail, and that I have no legitimate claim at all.

Somehow that doesn't help me much.

I guess I never explained quite why I was willing to be unfaithful to my husband, what brought me to the point of wanting to take a lover to begin with. My husband loves me very much, and I love him. I've already referenced some of the struggles we've been dealing with, but that's only a justification.

My husband has a very limited sexual interest in me. He fucks me because I'm here, because he's supposed to. It's all about him. He's a porn addict, and the girls on the computer get his real intimacy, his fantasies, his true desire. I'm just a flesh vessel for them.

This man made me feel special. He wanted me. ME! I couldn't fathom it. It always seemed to good to be true. His voice, his touch, his kisses, his mouth and fingers, his desire, his hungry gaze- he was one of the few bright spots in my life right now. Something to look forward to. Someone to share a part of myself that no one else values or wants. The confidence he's given me, the knowledge about myself, about sex, about morality and love and all things gray- I know I can keep what I have, but there was so much more to be had.

Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe things will cool down quickly and he'll feel like it's okay to continue on soon. Maybe I shouldn't be laying my head down on my desk and trying to mask my racking sobs. Maybe it's a blessing, in that I've always been a little too attached to this man.

Maybe he's gotten to know me and my body well enough that he just doesn't want me anymore, and this is his best way to untangle. Maybe it was all a game in the first place, designed to stroke his ego, and now that he's sure he's won the prize, he can throw it away and move on to the next conquest.

I knew it was too good to be true. I knew that there was no way I could ever be that happy. I knew that I'm more trouble than I'm worth.

I'm smart enough to know that I don't love this man, I can't love him, I don't really know him, and much as he may think differently, he doesn't really know me. But the way this feels? Feels like losing love.

The worst part is not being able to tell anyone. This is all the release and comfort I get.

I'll be back when I can stand to look at this history of what was, back when what could have been seemed like only a matter of time.

I guess I really am just a librarian type.