Oh, wow. Um, remember how la homme and I were supposed to be "taking a break"? Remember how I'm putting my all into heating things up with the hubby? Remember how we're thinking about bringing a girlfriend home?
So leaving la homme was a lot harder than I thought. Hard enough that I haven't done it. Yep, that's right. I'm now the absolute picture of a dumbass. I can't help it. Or rather, I don't want to help it. Sadly, I actually spent a few hours thinking that this is my husband's way of ruining my fun without even knowing it. At any rate, la homme and I are still hot and heavy, emphasis on the hot.
Things have been great with the husband. We're doing really well with have more sex, having different sex, being open with each other.
We're taking steps to find a girlfriend, and it's going well. Scary, thrilling well.
Everything is going so well with everyone, in fact, that sex has begun to dictate my planning. Have sex with the hubby before I bathe, so that I'm ready for la homme. Go to work, get some things done, get the minders distracted, enter hot office session. Leave the office, work on finding girlfriend, talk to hubby about it, have hot sex. Take bath. Repeat.
I haven't told la homme that we're looking for a girlfriend. I don't want to hear his predicitions or criticisms re: my husband. How does a married guy who is fooling around with a married girl look down his nose at her hubby? Not sure, but la homme pulls it off. He would love the stories, and the profile pics hubby took of me, etc. I'm still on the fence.
My overriding thought in all of this is that I would like to tell my father every bit of it, and see what he thinks. I know he cheats on Mom. I know he has cheated a lot, for a long time. What would he think of me having an attentive husband, an attentive boyfriend AND a hopefully attentive girlfriend?! I would be lying if I said I didn't think he'd be proud.
If I can keep it all from blowing up in my face, Armeggedon style, it should be the ride of a lifetime.
Be careful when you wish for more sex, friends. You might just get what you asked for.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Changes
So against my better judgement, I was completely honest with la homme about my situation with my husband, and just as I was afraid of, he thought it better to exit stage right. At least for awhile. We still talk, we're still friends, but no benefits. I miss him. There aren't quite words for this desperation- standing on the right side of the line and fighting the overwhelming urge to tromp right over it. He is right, though.
My husband is working really hard to turn things around, and as I trust him a little more, here and there, and he gets a glimpse of who I really am, sexually, he feels so stupid for wasting twelve years on his issues and giving me cause to hide who I am and what I want.
So I'm begrugdingly behaving myself. How boring.
My husband is working really hard to turn things around, and as I trust him a little more, here and there, and he gets a glimpse of who I really am, sexually, he feels so stupid for wasting twelve years on his issues and giving me cause to hide who I am and what I want.
So I'm begrugdingly behaving myself. How boring.
Friday, January 16, 2009
The Strangest Night I Ever Had
I was supposed to go out to dinner for business. I bailed, partly because the temperatures are in the single digits and it makes me want to hibernate like a bear, and partly because I was hurt. La homme said something that I'm sure he thought was fairly innocent, but it ripped an old, deep wound open wide.
When I arrived home unexpectedly, my husband was really surprised to see me, but he seemed pleasantly surprised. I admitted that I got my feelings hurt, told him what was said but changed who said it, and he told me that it was a stupid comment made by someone who doesn't know me well enough to truly appreciate me. Interesting.
I've been "unavailable" for nine days now, so I knew that he had been online all day surfing porn. It's a good guess when I'm not bleeding and a sure bet when I am.
He started out by telling me about a dream he had the night before. For some reason, he felt compelled to ask me if I was seeing someone, so he did. A look of pure shock and terror flashed across my face (not unlike what might really happen- I'm a horrible liar), and I was busted. He said that I remained really calm about the whole thing, and he was freaking out and asking me questions inbetween yelling at me. He asked me who he was, and I said Darren (so incredibly close to the real story that it was all I could do to keep my fucking eyeballs in my head), and he asked me if we fucked, and I said "Not yet, but only due to a lack of opportunity". (Are you creeped out now? Cause I was!!)
Then he told me that he knows that he has a lot of sexual problems, that he's addicted to porn and that being raised in such a sexually oppressive home, he's never felt comfortable sharing his true sexual desires with anyone else. He then said that it seemed like I had given up completely in trying to get his attention. I told him that yes, I had, that I quickly lose interest in trying to play a game I have no way of winning.
We then agreed that anything that had happened before today, all of our sexual history- the shame, the rejection, the misunderstandings and the lies and the berating- is in the past. We're starting over. We're being more honest, more open. He's concerned about our ability to last as a couple if we're both going outside of the relationship to fill our sexual needs. (He's referring to his porn habit on his side, and my rapt reading of all of your lovely and naughty blogs, which he was *super-ultra shocked* to find out I was reading, when I told him.)
We're now discussing our new ground rules and the possibilities they provide us. We're discussing bringing a third party (female, of course) in, with strict boundaries.
He nearly fell over dead when I started being open and honest with him about what turns me on, about what I'm willing to do. He thought that I was very prim and proper and timid, and he felt really stupid and ashamed to find out that I really only feel that way with him, because he's been so critical of me and my body and my needs. He realized last night that by destroying my trust in him, he's missed out on my naughty side. For the past twelve years.
What does this mean for la homme? I don't know. On one hand, it seems very wrong and foolish to carry on an affair while we're entering this new phase in the marriage and trying to redefine our sexual relationship. On the other hand, I'm still a little skeptical. On the first hand, it seems like he knows what I've been doing, if only on a subconscious level. On the second hand, he must not really know (or he does and has been cheating as well), or he would have been at least angry, if not hurt.
I'm just still in shock, and a hell of a lot happier than I've been in a long, long time. If any of you readers have any insight about this, I would love to hear it, please....
When I arrived home unexpectedly, my husband was really surprised to see me, but he seemed pleasantly surprised. I admitted that I got my feelings hurt, told him what was said but changed who said it, and he told me that it was a stupid comment made by someone who doesn't know me well enough to truly appreciate me. Interesting.
I've been "unavailable" for nine days now, so I knew that he had been online all day surfing porn. It's a good guess when I'm not bleeding and a sure bet when I am.
He started out by telling me about a dream he had the night before. For some reason, he felt compelled to ask me if I was seeing someone, so he did. A look of pure shock and terror flashed across my face (not unlike what might really happen- I'm a horrible liar), and I was busted. He said that I remained really calm about the whole thing, and he was freaking out and asking me questions inbetween yelling at me. He asked me who he was, and I said Darren (so incredibly close to the real story that it was all I could do to keep my fucking eyeballs in my head), and he asked me if we fucked, and I said "Not yet, but only due to a lack of opportunity". (Are you creeped out now? Cause I was!!)
Then he told me that he knows that he has a lot of sexual problems, that he's addicted to porn and that being raised in such a sexually oppressive home, he's never felt comfortable sharing his true sexual desires with anyone else. He then said that it seemed like I had given up completely in trying to get his attention. I told him that yes, I had, that I quickly lose interest in trying to play a game I have no way of winning.
We then agreed that anything that had happened before today, all of our sexual history- the shame, the rejection, the misunderstandings and the lies and the berating- is in the past. We're starting over. We're being more honest, more open. He's concerned about our ability to last as a couple if we're both going outside of the relationship to fill our sexual needs. (He's referring to his porn habit on his side, and my rapt reading of all of your lovely and naughty blogs, which he was *super-ultra shocked* to find out I was reading, when I told him.)
We're now discussing our new ground rules and the possibilities they provide us. We're discussing bringing a third party (female, of course) in, with strict boundaries.
He nearly fell over dead when I started being open and honest with him about what turns me on, about what I'm willing to do. He thought that I was very prim and proper and timid, and he felt really stupid and ashamed to find out that I really only feel that way with him, because he's been so critical of me and my body and my needs. He realized last night that by destroying my trust in him, he's missed out on my naughty side. For the past twelve years.
What does this mean for la homme? I don't know. On one hand, it seems very wrong and foolish to carry on an affair while we're entering this new phase in the marriage and trying to redefine our sexual relationship. On the other hand, I'm still a little skeptical. On the first hand, it seems like he knows what I've been doing, if only on a subconscious level. On the second hand, he must not really know (or he does and has been cheating as well), or he would have been at least angry, if not hurt.
I'm just still in shock, and a hell of a lot happier than I've been in a long, long time. If any of you readers have any insight about this, I would love to hear it, please....
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Tuesday
La homme and I have been chatting all day. I'm told that interoffice chat is not monitored by the IT department, and transcripts are not kept on the server. If this is not true, then those IT geeks are getting the show of a lifetime. We are wishing that our minders weren't around, but sadly, they are ever present.
He's getting a little more desperate about this with every exchange, and before I know it, he's informed me that he's coming to my office to stand behind me with the door open, while I pull up our secret photo album on my computer.
Oh, did I not tell you about our photo album? I took the first set of pictures, the ones I was so nervous about, and he liked them so much that my confidence just blossomed. Where the first set was mostly clothed and nothing more than advantageous poses, the sets that followed, well, I'm proud to say that they are porn grade photos. He can't keep them on his work computer, obviously, and his home computer is shared with his wife. I didn't like the idea of keeping "evidence" on any of my hard drives either. So we set up a secure site and I uploaded them there. He can log in and view (but not save or copy) his pictures whenever he wants.
So before I know it, he's standing behind me, and we're looking at these pictures together, talking about which ones are our favorites, which ones he'd like me to take that I haven't, all with the door open. His hand is resting on my shoulder, and everytime I open a picture to full size, he squeezes my shoulder hard enough that it almost hurts. No one is around, and I can see when someone walks up, so I reach behind my chair to make sure these pictures are having the effect I intended. He allows this for much longer than I thought he would, but one of my direct reports is approaching, so I am told to keep my hands to myself.
She's standing in my doorway, and she and I are discussing a mundane detail about her work, all while la homme watches my pictures on a slide show. This makes me so crazy it frightens me. It's the riskiest things- a closed door meeting while my husband is waiting for me out in the parking lot- and now this game- or when he stands in the doorway and holds the door shut most of the way while I flash him- that I love the most.
I thought that entered into this affair because I sorely needed some sexual attention, and had been lusting after la homme for some time. I thought it had to do with he and I, and to a lesser extent, my husband and I. Now I'm left wondering if there is something else that draws me in. Do I actually like being "bad" for the sake of being "bad"? If this opportunity came up with someone that I found attractive but was not as attracted to as la homme, would I have taken it? Before Tuesday, I would have told you no. Now I'm not so sure.
coco
He's getting a little more desperate about this with every exchange, and before I know it, he's informed me that he's coming to my office to stand behind me with the door open, while I pull up our secret photo album on my computer.
Oh, did I not tell you about our photo album? I took the first set of pictures, the ones I was so nervous about, and he liked them so much that my confidence just blossomed. Where the first set was mostly clothed and nothing more than advantageous poses, the sets that followed, well, I'm proud to say that they are porn grade photos. He can't keep them on his work computer, obviously, and his home computer is shared with his wife. I didn't like the idea of keeping "evidence" on any of my hard drives either. So we set up a secure site and I uploaded them there. He can log in and view (but not save or copy) his pictures whenever he wants.
So before I know it, he's standing behind me, and we're looking at these pictures together, talking about which ones are our favorites, which ones he'd like me to take that I haven't, all with the door open. His hand is resting on my shoulder, and everytime I open a picture to full size, he squeezes my shoulder hard enough that it almost hurts. No one is around, and I can see when someone walks up, so I reach behind my chair to make sure these pictures are having the effect I intended. He allows this for much longer than I thought he would, but one of my direct reports is approaching, so I am told to keep my hands to myself.
She's standing in my doorway, and she and I are discussing a mundane detail about her work, all while la homme watches my pictures on a slide show. This makes me so crazy it frightens me. It's the riskiest things- a closed door meeting while my husband is waiting for me out in the parking lot- and now this game- or when he stands in the doorway and holds the door shut most of the way while I flash him- that I love the most.
I thought that entered into this affair because I sorely needed some sexual attention, and had been lusting after la homme for some time. I thought it had to do with he and I, and to a lesser extent, my husband and I. Now I'm left wondering if there is something else that draws me in. Do I actually like being "bad" for the sake of being "bad"? If this opportunity came up with someone that I found attractive but was not as attracted to as la homme, would I have taken it? Before Tuesday, I would have told you no. Now I'm not so sure.
coco
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)